People who are going through a divorce often don’t want to have to communicate with each other. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can make the situation much more difficult if they have to talk about child custody matters.

When parents divorce, they should never try to use the children as messengers. While this does include having them relay messages between parents, there are other ways that parents might use the children. It doesn’t matter which messaging method is being used — they can all damage the children.

Finding out what’s going on at the other house

Sometimes, parents want to know what’s happening with the other parent. It is understandable that you want to make sure that your children are safe, however, you shouldn’t use the kids to spy. If you do ask about what’s going on, make sure that you’re doing it with the proper motives. You should want to share your child’s experiences with them and to help them understand that they can be happy at both homes.

Suggesting solutions for issues

Parents might have different ideas about how to handle situations. You should never have your children voice your suggestions for solutions to those issues. If you think it is your place to discuss specific problems and their possible resolutions, talk directly to your ex so that you aren’t placing your children in the middle of the situation.

Methods of communication

You and your ex have to determine the most suitable manner for communication. Verbal communication works for some people but this isn’t possible if you and your ex can’t get along. You might also use written communication like texts, emails or specialized messaging services. Think carefully about what will work the best and lead to as little stress as possible.

One consideration for this decision is whether you will need monitoring of the communication. If there is a chance that either party will delete or alter communication, using a service that blocks those options and that the court can monitor might be beneficial.

Many individuals put the guidelines for communication into the parenting plan so everyone knows what’s acceptable. This is beneficial if you think there will ever be questions about this. As is the case with other points of the plan, you can modify it as the child matures if there are changes needed to reflect the child’s current needs.